The Intimacy Lure, Stabilizing Hormones and the BrainAs I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column caught my eye. A reader composed in with a dating predicament and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to obtain love, and men utilize love to obtain sex." This is a terrific summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where songs translate excellent sex as love. Those who fall into the Sex Trap go even further because for these singles, having sex brings tremendous meaning and effects.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of 2 methods:
A.they think sex is a needed test of compatibility, (if the sex is excellent then the relationship will be great too).
B.more frequently, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both previously level-headed songs consider themselves a dedicated couple as soon as they make love.
So, rather than looking at whether this other individual may be a match on levels other than physical destination-- such as long-term requirements, needs, and desires-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body responds to someone we are brought in to by producing hormonal agents such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural state of mind enhancers), and testosterone ( boosts sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are drawn in to very difficult to withstand. After orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce feelings), which makes us feel really close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical responses are uncontrolled and strong , resulting in powerful feelings of attraction, enjoyment, nearness, love, and wellness .
But when issues arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap frequently rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got issues, but the sex is fantastic!" They more than likely wouldn't confess, however they focus on physical intimacy and relate to the rest as optional. Their main scouting tools are sexual destination and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works mostly with gay men, states that a number of his clients have actually fallen into the Sex Trap.
" For gay males particularly in metropolitan locations, sex is easily available, which in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its focus on physical appearance, encourages sex. Many gay males want to discover out from the beginning if a prospective partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to ready?".
North adds, "I believe this is a 'guy' thing rather than a 'gay' thing.".
I do want to mention that chemistry is very important. Chemistry is a given that we can't manage in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it needs to be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry occur, though often it can grow over time.
When the hormone-induced helpful resources intoxication wears off and reality hits, Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry danger relationship failure.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with good sense. While good sex is necessary for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying complete focus on your vision, worths, goals, and requirements -- while feeling all those exciting stimulates!