The Intimacy Snare, Stabilizing Hormonal Agents and the SkullAs I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column captured my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating issue and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to obtain love, and guys use love to obtain sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap is comparable to the Love Trap, where singles translate good sex as love. However those who fall under the Sex Trap go even further since for these songs, having sex carries tremendous significance and effects.
Songs fall under the Sex Trap in one (or both) of 2 methods:
A.they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is great then the relationship will be good also).
B.more commonly, all awareness heads out the window, and one or both previously level-headed singles consider themselves a dedicated couple as quickly as they have sex.
Rather than looking at whether this other individual may be a match on levels other than physical attraction-- such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to correspond with reality when all those hormones are cutting loose. Our body reacts to somebody we are brought in to by producing hormonal agents such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone ( boosts libido), which makes the chance to have sex with somebody we are attracted to exceptionally difficult to resist. After orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce feelings), which makes us feel extremely close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical responses are strong and involuntary , causing effective feelings of attraction, enjoyment, love, closeness, and wellness .
However when issues develop, those who fall under the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, however the sex is fantastic!" They more than likely wouldn't admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their primary scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, states that much of his clients have fallen under the Sex Trap.
" For gay men particularly in cosmopolitan locations, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Lots of gay males want to discover out from the beginning if a potential try here partner is going to be sexually suitable. Why waste your time if the sex isn't really going to be excellent?".
North adds, "I think this is a ' person' thing rather than a 'gay' thing.".
I do desire to point out that chemistry is very important. Chemistry is a provided that we cannot control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it needs to be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we cannot "make" chemistry occur, though sometimes it can grow with time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry threat relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must stabilize your heart (and hormones) with your head. This implies combining chemistry with typical sense. While great sex is necessary for a sustainable relationship, you have to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, worths, objectives, and requirements -- while feeling all those interesting stimulates!