The Sexuality Pitfall, Stabilizing Hormones and the MindAs I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column captured my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women utilize sex to get love, and men utilize love to get sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap resembles the Love Trap, where singles interpret great sex as love. Those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther since for these songs, having sex carries immense meaning and repercussions.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two methods:
A.they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex readies then the relationship will ready as well).
B.more frequently, all consciousness heads out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed songs consider themselves a committed couple as quickly as they make love.
Rather than looking at whether this other individual might be a match on levels other than physical attraction-- such as long-term requirements, requirements, and wants-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to stay connected with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body responds to someone we are drawn in to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are drawn in to very difficult to resist. After orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are uncontrolled and strong , causing effective feelings of destination, excitement, closeness, love, and well-being .
However when problems occur, those who fall into the Sex Trap typically justify by believing, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is excellent!" They probably wouldn't confess it, but they focus on physical intimacy and concern the rest as optional. Their main hunting tools are sexual tourist attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay males, says that a lot of his clients have actually fallen under the Sex Trap.
" For gay men specifically in cities, sex is readily offered, which in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its focus on physical appearance, motivates sex. Lots of gay males wish to discover from the starting if a prospective partner is going to be sexually suitable. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to be excellent?".
North adds, "I presume this is a ' person' thing rather than a 'gay' thing.".
I do wish to point out that chemistry is essential. Yet, chemistry is a offered Home Page that we can't control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it should be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry happen, though often it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry threat relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication diminishes and truth hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with good sense. While great sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you have to make your partner options by paying full focus on your vision, values, objectives, and requirements -- while feeling all those amazing sparks!